In many ways, all of social interaction is about getting someone else to do something for you. We like to think of ourselves as caring and altruistic, but without the feedback loop from others we are just telling ourselves that we are what we think we are, and with the feedback loop that's the actual thing we want from someone else.
You Should Watch "Validation"
There's this short film called "Validation" that I won't spoil but explores the human need for being told we're alright, that we're doing well, we're loved, etc. It's sweet and fun and thoughtful and you should watch it.
That said, validation is a thing we want, and a thing we can give. If we give it, why? If we're giving it, is it so we make someone else happy? That sounds like a good thing, right? Well, what if they just did something bad? Can we make them feel happy after that? Of course we can.
The human brain is a chemical responder network of sorts. We can inject you with a chemical that will make you angry. We can give you electrical signals directly to your brain that will do the same. During brain surgery we can cause responses from the body while physically manipulating the brain in some cases.
This has long made me ponder the question of what the differences of manipulation and influence are.
Influence is the Same as Manipulation
The mechanics of both are exactly the same. You provide inputs to others, they respond. That's it. Seems obscenely simple. Sometimes the inputs and responses are complicated. I provide inputs to my wife that make her smile. Is she smiling because of me, or because she chose to based on my input? Who is in control?
This is where I see typical discussions of the topic go. I think that's fun but useless. Philosophy can explore all sorts of routes of these questions, but if they aren't useful I don't think they're worth pursuing further. I don't think that's much of a stretch even if it can be fun to explore the more useless avenues. Sometimes discoveries are there. The point is we shouldn't talk about it like that.
Instead, think of yourself and how you want to the mechanism to play out on you.
The Difference in The Subject
I posit that the same action, the same input, can be both manipulative and influential. You can see this in telling someone the same advice as you tell others but someone is in a more vulnerable state and they key in too hard and you knew they would and they change their life. Salespeople that convince someone to spend money they don't have and the salesperson knows they don't have are manipulative. Salespeople that offer someone something and are turned down and simply move on are not. They're trying to influence, no doubt, but not manipulate. There's a lot of room between those two.
I think there is a line about how desperate the subject is or how easily influenced they are. I think that's valuable insight. I also think that doesn't really paint the whole picture. A 12 year old takes their parents' credit card. If a salesperson sells something expensive to a 12 year old that they clearly don't need, that's manipulative. My aunt has the mentality of an 8-12 year old depending on the area (and I consider arguing about what to label her, but the internet is stupid and thinks they know better than our family, so we'll just avoid it). We love her dearly, but she could easily make such a mistake as children would even though she's getting elderly now. Would a salesperson selling her something expensive be manipulative at that point? Her idiosyncrasies signaling her mental capabilities are minor. She's quite childlike, but so are a whole host of adults with no deficiencies.
It's a tough question, and it means we probably have to take something else into account: the knowledge and intent of the actor.
Knowledge and Intent of Inputs
If the person providing the input has ill intent, it's manipulation in every case. Ill intent is ambiguous, but we can term it as knowing it will cause harm more often than desired. Selling someone a meal in a restaurant they can't afford is difficult to know for the restaurant staff. Selling someone a house or even a car they can't afford is easy because they literally have to check that now, and car sales can happen right now anyway. Is that manipulative? We decide in the 2008 recession the house was. We probably should agree the car is. What about the restaurant?
I don't think the restaurant has the obligation because the price point doesn't justify the problem. A bar tender should absolutely cut someone off when they've had enough. That's a different calculus and burden of social value. If the bar tender is gaslighting the patron, that's manipulative, but I don't think that's as likely. See the subtle ways this can be expressed?
The Guiding Definition
I propose a specific framework for evaluating the difference between influence and manipulation. It still leaves ambiguity, but gives nice terms and framing for discussion and evaluation. Common language can be more useful than rigidity.
Influence is when you should or do know what the subject's best interest is, as defined by them utterly without anyone else's perspective or opinion. If your spouse is trying to advance their career, and you have a subtle nudge or an enormous scheme like cooking them a big meal when they complete their work like they're some child to be given a gold star, that's probably influence. If it crosses into other territories like humiliation and that isn't in their best interest as they'd define it, then it's manipulation even though the core effort might be influence.
So we have the input, the effects on the subject, the desires of the subject, the intent of the input actor. That's where we define the fuzzy lines. The equation can be endlessly debated, but that's enough of a start for a more productive debate. It works for (both kinds of value)[/tnlblog/the-two-kinds-of-value.html] discussions and the many perspectives around those. It works for the most important relationships too.
It's not manipulative if your subject wants you to help them with it and you know you're acting with their best interests as they define them in mind. It's absolutely manipulation if you're acting in your best interests in mind over theirs. Put another way, if you get more out of it than they do, it's not unlikely to be manipulation. Try to influence instead.