Regret gets a lot of talk time, but usually the meaning of it is mistakes, or things you'll think are things you can never take back. Personally, I reject that as unproductive. I need to live a life without regret, because the nature of regret is to linger, and that's not productive if I can't avoid it. My definition is useful for the worth regret has in life and avoiding the trap it represents in some conversations.
The Definition of Regret
It's helpful to frame the conversation and then talk about why it's useful. My definition is simple. Regret is anything you did that you wish you had not based on informatio you had and recognized at the time. This isn't information you had and in hindsight recognize was a sign you should have chosen differently. That's not regret at all. That's a mistake worth learning from, that's success waiting to be harnessed. Cultivate those reflections with sobriety and a bit of pride and you'll have a fine garden of experience to draw from.
Regret is only the mistakes that will haunt us from within because we know it was us, not the mistakes that we remember harshly. Often we remember and think that we should have known, but only if we were taught and listened and made a decision with the cognitive dissonance of fooling ourselves should we truly regret.
Harsh Mistakes That are not Regret
There are many things that are mistakes that might be such harrowing feelings, and often we overindex on those. It's tough because a measure isn't possible, you have to really think through and be honest and evaluate the question of if you knew enough to avoid the fate and you knew it wasn't a risk that was going to go south. It's one thing to make an investment that may very likely dry up and leave you with nothing from what you invested. It's an entirely different thing to just chuck that money into a fire.
If you said something you instantly wished you hadn't, there's a divide between knowing you shouldn't have because it was just mean or dishonest, and the fact that it sounded good in your head but when you said it you realized you shouldn't have. That instantaneous feedback shows you're learning. It doesn't excuse the mistake, but it does mean you don't need to regret it, because it's learning opportunity, not willful ignorance. Mistakes just happen, even when you know better in hindsight.
Sometimes, you make a mistake and someone else pays a terrible price. This also isn't a regret, but it is something worth extra pondering, of course. Just do the due diligence, avoid future similar mistakes.
A Life Without Regret
When you have a strong definition of regret as avoidable, you can try to live a life without it. You'll still make lots of mistakes of course. You'll also have some regret, because it's avoidable, but not something you can perfectly avoid. Nuance is constantly in the evaluation as you learn and grow.
The key joy for this kind of living is that you have an immediate defense any time your brain wants to go to those dreaded moments and spiral, because even my most embarrassing moments are just that, embarrassing. I can feel the ick, let it wash over me, recognize I didn't choose wrong with whatever it was, and move on. If I need to reflect, I can do so without putting it on my shoulders, it's just in front of me on the examining table. That kind of peace allows faster growth because you can prevent yourself getting bogged with the usual pains we tend to carry in the regret bucket.
Bad things will still happen. You'll get laid off, you'll task risks that in hindsight were stupid, you will absolutely hurt loved ones with mistakes of wording or action. Pain is an inevitable part of life, and a beautiful one, but you don't need to have pointless negativity. Peace in life through the pain is the goal, and this just helps with that. Call it a mistake, not a regret. Learn from it, while being unburdened by it.